failure of a martyr

On Veteran’s day, they
Raised the flags,
I stood in front of everyone
Nervous
Waiting for my turn on stage.
I wasn’t thinking about your baseball cap, or
Your aviator glasses
That you wore needlessly inside, or
The way my best friend would complain about you.
I thought of nothing
When I received the text, except,
That can’t be true.

That day, you made the decision
To end your life.
You were always impulsive;
You would do anything,
And no one would stop you.

I still hear your father yelling
At you as if
You’d rise from your shroud having
Changed your mind.
I still see your silhouette;
Your long feet sticking out from
The dirt,
Disappearing and
Disappearing.

I hadn’t noticed how tall you’d gotten
When I walked beside you, peering up
To see your face. Or
How far you’d come from
That little pest I’d shoo away.
I hadn’t noticed how tall you’d gotten
Until it took six people
To carry your body up the hill.

It seemed like yesterday you
Sat with me in the corner
Shaking your friend’s Mountain Dew while
He was away.
It seemed like yesterday I
Taped up a ladder
Because you were showing the
Little kids how to climb it.
It seemed like yesterday we
Were all so full of love.
I never felt like I had so many friends.

One year ago
Your friend found me at your funeral.
They hugged me tighter than anyone and
Cried into my coat collar, thinking
Of the disappointment
Of having to clean up soda fizz.
Now they like to pretend like
I don’t exist.
Like they never left those
Tear stains on my coat. 

One year ago
We all sat in the dark, balled
Up with each other, bawling
At 8 am,
Holding hands and
Playing your favorite music.

Now we don’t see each other.
We text in pleasantries.
Everyone is fighting or
Broken up, and
No one is touching my face in the dark,
Telling me they love me
To break the silence and
Stop the weeping.

On Veteran’s day
I saw the flags and
I remembered you.
You martyred yourself to
Bring us together and
Somehow
We still failed.