My Writing Notebook Ecosystem

I'm doing it, I'm hopping on the train and sharing the ecosystem of notebooks I use for my writing. At some point I may also share a general notebook ecosystem, probably not including those in this post. There are notebooks lying all over my house, it honestly could take a little while just to round them all up. Luckily, when I'm working on a draft, I keep all my writing notebooks on hand for easy reference. 

General Notebook

This is what I keep pretty much everything in. It functions as a journal at times, but mostly it's random ideas, snippets of dialogue or description, and maybe some things about my day. Every now and then I love to do a collage in it--I love the way it bulks up the pages and makes the notebook look just as lived-in as it is. I started this several years ago, and the current notebook I'm in is labeled as Notebook 7. It used to take me less than a year to fill one up, but this one is taking much longer--I haven't really figured out why, yet. I'm trying to get back into filling it with more short fiction and writing sprints based on any kind of prompt I can find that I like, and record more of the important moments in my everyday life. 

Holloway Notebook 

This notebook is pretty much exclusively for world building in the primary setting I base my novels in. I use this for location descriptions, maps, character work, and anything pertaining to the world that may not pertain to the specific draft I'm working on. Timelines are an important part of this, as well as dates of birth of each character, and some information on how they relate to each other. 

Outlining Notebook

This is a notebook I picked up at Marshall's on a discount, and I'm obsessed with it. I love the style, the size, the date labels--it's perfect for outlining full drafts in. I always write out the key components of each scene to make sure I'm not forgetting anything during my actual writing process. It also helps me slow down and think about what's happening in the moment, so I can take my time in the scene rather than worrying about what comes next. That's my main problem during the drafting process; my scenes come up short because I get antsy and just want to push through it, leaving big gaps and holes for the readers. I always make sure I date the page I start the outline on, and the page I finish it on, just to get a general idea of how long it takes me to work the outline. Additionally, way in the future, it helps me figure out when I find a random outline which draft it belongs to and if it was created before or after the writing of that draft, letting me know how accurate it is to the actual work. 

Draft-Specific Notebook

This, of course, changes based on what I'm working on. Right now, it's this tiny spiral bound notebook from the Dollar Tree. I chose this one because my intention was only to work on a third and final draft of this piece, and I could likely fill this little notebook up just with that and not have to worry about wasting a larger, nicer notebook. It's quickly proving to be larger than this notebook, but we'll deal with that issue as it arises. Here is where I work out subplots, character arcs, wants lists and some plot exercises. I also use it for story-boarding, and whatever random information that happens to come to mind related to the draft that wouldn't fit anywhere else. It's messy and covered in sticky notes, some of them even taped in, just how I like it! 

Keeping all these with me, especially when I'm traveling somewhere to write, can be a little much. All of this used to just be on the computer, but I'm learning not to trust computers as much as I once did, and it also is proving to help my process moving to a more analogue system. This is especially helpful when I need to write notes in the margins. I thought I would miss just being able to retype a sentence to include the forgotten information, but I love the look it gives the pages to have it scribbled down somewhere. It feels much more representative of my real thought process, and the creative work I'm actually putting into the project. It's absolutely worth the extra space it takes up, and I don't foresee myself switching back any time soon. 

 

 

Thoughts on The Longest Journey

 

I recently finished The Longest Journey by E.M. Forster. The only other novel of his I had ever read was Maurice, which I picked up sometime in 2022 during my excursion with LGBTQ+ representation in period fiction. The Longest Journey was published in 1907 shortly after it was written, and it confirms all of my suspicions about Forster: he was absolutely brilliant, and not to mention hilarious.

The characters were incredibly real and convincing, and absurd at the same time, adding to the overall comedy of it. The beginning of the novel keeps you reading with its absurdity and wit, and the end of the novel keeps you reading like a train wreck you can't look away from.  

The themes of the novel are so intricately webbed together they form a beautifully complex story. In the very beginning, the main theme is introduced--the young boys at Cambridge argue about whether or not the cow is real. It's a horribly confusing argument that makes no sense from any direction. But over the course of the story it begins to make sense. This is an incredible part of our main character's (Rickie) arc--to him, the argument by his best friend Stewart Ansell is also absurd and confusing. But as things start happening to him, as he grows older, he begins to understand exactly what he means. 

In the beginning, Rickie has a black-and-white view of what is real and what isn't. Everything is real, because he is perceiving it, because it is tangible. He believes everything to be shallow and thus perceives all of these characters as who they are on the surface--he comes to understand their true depth along with the reader. Over the course of the plot, he is forced to discover for himself what is real and what isn't. He has to learn that the world is more complicated than he ever wanted it to be. 

Each character is carefully crafted and has a surface level that contrasts with their inner self. Stephen, who is revealed in the most chaotic way to be Rickie's half brother, is hard, callous, and pretty simple on the surface. However, he reveals himself to be proud and by far the most loving, caring person of them all. Agnes, Rickie's wife, seems sweet and lovely and proper, but really turns out to be vindictive, scheming, and controlling.  

Ansell is undoubtedly my favorite character in the novel. He is incredibly unconventional, and says anything he wants to at any point. His main value is keeping things real--he is honest to a fault, but only on the surface. Below the surface, he truly has a lot of feelings. He is brooding and nonchalant, pretending to brush things off but really letting everything sit until it all boils over. 

The relationship Ansell maintains with Rickie throughout the novel could be the subject of another complete essay. They're extremely complicated and care so deeply about each other. They are separated for the long middle portion of the novel. Rickie thought he could get married, thought he loved Agnes, but it turned out not to be real. He had manufactured his love for her just as she had manufactured an entire life for the two of them, which he quickly grows to resent. She took pains to shut out everything that was real to him in order to keep them both in their fantasy world of upper class perfection. Rickie had to make the decision between the perfect life he was faking and the flawed, complicated life that was true and real to him. This was the dichotomy of Agnes and Ansell, both representing different lives he could have. 

I thought at first that the ending was a little slow. After what seemed to be the climax, the falling action was extended and took up several years, but it proved to be worth it. It was a perfect setup for a more distant ending that tied things together and showed the reward, the ultimate payoff for Rickie choosing the cow that is real.  

Letting My Third Draft Become a First Draft

Burnt by a Million Stars Revision Process

Full disclosure, a lot of my exercises in this process were taken from The Weekend Novelist by Robert J. Ray, which has become a new bible for me while drafting novels! It's an incredible weekend-oriented program, but I personally prefer to take my time and complete milestones as they come. This is my number one recommended book on writing!

 

I started my first draft of Burnt by a Million Stars in early 2020, still in my freshman year of high school and right at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was a huge comfort to me at the time, and I finished my first draft at the end of that spring. By the end of the year, I finished my second draft and filed this novel away for good. I went on to write my magnum opus, my favorite so far, Spoils of the Dead. 

 

After finishing this, I started my current nightmare, Marionette, and became stuck on it for years, to the point of burnout. Finally, I decided to file this one away as well until I had a better understanding of what I wanted out of the plot. In the meantime, I decided to craft a third and final draft of this long-time novel of mine. Burnt by a Million Stars started out as a simple romance and evolved into something more. Going deeper into it, exploring the characters and myself, they took me to places I never thought they would go. It had been four or five years, and factoring in my experiences in those years made all the difference. I'm a different writer now, and therefore I cannot write the same book again. 

 

All that being said, here's the transformation journey as of the time I've finished the outline of my now-first draft! I plan to write through December and have a full draft by the new year. 

Mind Map

My most difficult part of doing a mind map in writing is where to start. Here, I had just finished reading through the most recent draft from the end of 2020 and found that the number of ghosts in this novel were far fewer than the number of ghosts I prefer in my novels!! So I started with a mind map of the primary kind of haunting in this first iteration, which was the shadow hand of a woman. 

What I've found about this exercise is that it helps tremendously to generate new haunting elements, symbolism, new settings, and even some playlist ideas!

Wants Lists

Next, I created wants lists for each of my characters in order to give all of them an agenda. Luckily, I already had a lot of information to work with, including all the character notes and possible additional wants and motivations from the other drafts. A lot of times this won't be the case when starting new, and that can be an issue! The hardest part of writing is making shit up. 

Aristotle's Incline

Aristotle's Incline is a simple, linear version of your plot outline that highlights the six key scenes: the opening image, plot point one, midpoint, plot point two, catharsis, and wrap-up scene. The advice written in the book includes making a list of any possible scenes that could be in your novel, determined by the kind of character and plot arcs you're working with. 

I had to adapt this for a third draft, which of course was fairly simple as I already had pretty much all of the scenes I would need. So, I made a brief list of each scene in the novel and chose the six that I believed to work for each key scene. Even though I had my outline, I still ended up moving my catharsis scene to plot point two in order to make room for a completely new catharsis scene that better aligned with the challenges and goals in the new version of the novel. It's all adaptable, always.  

 Reworking Key Scenes

My usual process for reworking and revising scenes had to make a huge shift here. Because everything was so different, including my word count goal, writing style, and even the plot itself, I scrapped most of the original scenes. I read through them each, highlighting in prominent colors the specific passages I wanted to keep and worked them in as I completely restructured the scenes. 

The main things I included in working these scenes were keeping the setting limited, working in symbolism and background descriptors, giving the characters actions, and including the climax of each scene. What I noticed about my scene list from the previous draft was that there were over 60 different scenes in a 70,000 word novel, which means my characters were jumping around a lot. A lot of these location changes/scene changes had no real purpose, didn't move the plot forward, and had no climax. In fact, a lot of them were even hard to describe in my scenes list because essentially nothing of note happened. 

Additionally, each scene was so short because they were suffering from a blank background and total lack of objective. They were doing nothing! They had no main actions, no real goals in the scenes. Adding new objectives for each scene made a tremendous, immediate difference. Actions are so important for your characters, even if it's as simple as washing the dishes. The more human you could possible make them, the better. Readers need to feel they can connect with your characters, and the most important part of that is putting them in average, human situations. 

Linking Key Scenes Together

This was basically just a loosely put together list of scenes that linked each of the key scenes to one another. It seemed a little trivial at the time, but proved to be super helpful for the outlining process, even if it was just random little ideas for scenes that would fit in the middle.

Outlining

The final and longest part of this process was the full outline of my draft. Although I had plotted with Aristotle's Incline, I found that it loosely fits into the structure of the Save the Cat beat sheet by Blake Snyder. What I love to work out of is the book Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody, which provides so many extra details and examples, and even examples of beat sheets that are genre specific. This is such a wonderful reference, even if it proves to be too detailed for some loose plotters or pantsers. It works wonderfully even as just a starting point. 

In total I ended up with thirty two chapters, which should hopefully land me somewhere over the 64,000 word mark. I start writing in December, and I can't wait! 

 

 

 

Fall and Winter Bucket List

 

• Thrift haul    
• Clothes I'm looking for this year:  
• vintage button-ups
• 80s sweaters/cardigans
• maxi-skirts
• sweater vests 
• low heeled dress shoes 
• Trade to a flip phone
• Finally going analogue! I've had my Android for maybe six or seven years now, and I've had the option to upgrade for several years now, but I just can't part with it. This is because it's a 2019 model, the most recent one that still equips a headphone jack. I vowed I will never use wireless earbuds, ever. And now I'm getting a little tired of it, all the Instagram stalking and doom-scrolling I just can't seem to get away from. I'm sometimes the kind of person that has to force myself to do things I know will be good for me. 
• Lunch date with myself
• I've been meaning to do this since summer, especially a writing date, but I can't seem to get it together with all the school work and regular work. I can't wait to have a little break in the wintertime to treat myself to a local place, maybe one I've never been to before! 
• Host a dinner party 
• I love to host any kind of party, and I think this season I'm gonna work on really stepping up my game. The issue I run into most with this is the funding. A simple solution, a potluck-style bring-what-you-can dinner party! There are typically only a handful of us there, and I know a few of us really love to cook (I'm not one of them). So it could save me time and effort and allow them some fun!  
• Write and send out holiday cards
• I love to make handmade cards embellished with all the "junk" I can get my hands on, complete with a wax seal. I adore any kind of hand-written letters. It's truly an underrated art form. I used to write them often, but over time the inspiration and people to write them to kind of fell away. Still, I always want to show those I may not see often a piece of myself and let them know I still love them and think about them. What better way with a handmade craft and heartfelt note in your own handwriting, lovingly addressed and stamped.  
• Make s'mores 
• My mom makes the best s'mores! They're a yearly treat for us, without the hassle of going outside and worrying about fire safety in the driest season of the year. We are always overly concerned with fire safety at my house, and our preferred method of making s'mores is in the oven. Over the years I've discovered this method to be a little controversial! Some people think it's really about the experience of sitting around a bonfire and roasting marshmallows with loved ones. That's a wonderful experience, but one that's more tailored to my own anxieties is standing around the oven together putting together s'mores and waiting around together while they bake. It matters much less to me what we're doing than who we're doing it with.  
• Make my 2026 collage/vision board
• I started a new tradition last year when I was feeling like a brand new restart. I started making vision boards for the year on Notion--an app I absolutely rely on. My usual Pinterest board just wasn't doing enough for me--I needed the notes function to create something I could look at frequently and check off lists of resolutions. It's also way more aesthetic, if you use it properly! 
• Save on Christmas gifts by making from scratch or thrifting
• I mostly work on contract, going from job to job and having some periods, sometimes long periods, without any work. I often find myself really stretching for money. Because of these financial dry periods, I'm not always very good at managing the money when I have it. This year, I'm aiming to be more mindful of this and thrift or hand craft all of my Christmas gifts. I was a little concerned, even though I know my people wouldn't love me any less for this, nor would they even be surprised at this decision. But I thought it over, and my very favorite gifts each year are always the ones that are vintage, antique, thrifted, a little beaten and worn. These are the gifts I tend to cherish most. And if they're handmade, it's just priceless, no matter what it is.  
• Finish my novel draft
• Originally, this was going to be a third draft of my novel Burnt by a Million Stars, but during my revision process, I kept expanding things and expanding things well beyond my revision limits. Therefore, this draft is turning into another first draft. (Read more about this here!) It's nearly a completely different novel, and I may even need to change the title! I'm currently working on the outline, and I'm aiming to finish that by the end of November, and finish the draft by New Years. That'll give me a month of writing NaNoWriMo style!

Gay Parenting and "My Two Dads" (1988-1990)

 "My Two Dads" is my most recent obsession. It's a brilliantly designed sitcom in its straight forward approach to modern family dynamics and structures moving outside the nuclear family, especially after all the tragedy the AIDS pandemic had recently brought to the world. The whole series is a unique product of its time--one that certainly couldn't be replicated now or any other time. 

It's 1988 in New York City. Gay marriage is illegal in the majority of states, and gay representation on television is rare and often derogatory. Having a family as a gay couple is nearly impossible. A precondition to adoption in many states is marriage. On occasion, in more modern cities such as NYC, an individual in a gay relationship may adopt, but only if they manage to find someone in the system willing to place a child in the care of same-sex parents. However, in other situations, same-sex couples having children is increasingly common. Many couples began having children via insemination services, as well as those with step-children or children from a previous marriage. 

To make "My Two Dads" acceptable to the general television audience, these writers presented a work-around just bizarre enough to give their target audience what they want while still flying under the radar. In the pilot, Michael and Joey are both brought to court for the reading of the will of a college girlfriend they both had and fought over, leading to the breakup of their friendship. They hadn't seen each other in nearly thirteen years. Their college girlfriend, Marci, has just died and left them both equal custody of her twelve year old daughter Nicole. No one knows which man the father really is, because the DNA test was "indeterminate." The will specifies that even though they haven't been friends for years, they must parent the child together, in one household. (In the second episode, they try a joint-custody solution, but Nicole is unhappy with their arguing and wants a stable household, and Michael quickly realizes he cares more about his new family than his expensive uptown apartment).

There is something to be said about Joey and Michael's dynamic. They are polar opposites--Joey is a fun-loving artist, and Michael is a perfectionist, wealthy financial advisor. Still, they were childhood best friends. They have always known each other, they know everything about each other, and already have a well-established relationship with each other's parents and family. They had been with each other long before either of them had been with Nicole's mother. 

This works perfectly for this situation, because the audience knows they already have chemistry, or they never would have been so close as children. It's far more believable that these two would parent a child together and create a happy family than if they had just been two people who happened to love the same woman, once. There is an intimacy between them that separates their situation from the average shared-custody situation.  

Apart from the situation, this is a completely functional, average, heartwarming 1980s sitcom complete with the apartment tenants, the landlord right below them, and several characters in their general proximity. The first season plays in all the common sitcom tropes of the era, and it did them a huge favor, making their relationship to each other and to Nicole comfortable and easy. This is the reason that sitcoms were so impactful on American culture and the perception of people in minority groups--they made difficult subjects for the middle class population funny and easy to understand. It put these real-life situations in a setting that promotes empathy. 

As the audience shifts, so do the family dynamics. Understandably, the beginning of season 1 emphasizes how straight the two of them are. In fact, the set of jokes Michael's character is introduced with is him hitting on his attorney. Similarly, Joey is the common hunk, ladies' man character. In the first several episodes, the guys establish their dating routines in relation to staying home with Nicole, and experiment going on dates and bringing dates home. They start off with a relatively common issue of single parents, where the dates find out they are parents and are no longer interested in a relationship. 

However, by the end of the first season the subject matter gradually moves away from the dating life and emphasizing the family dynamic they've created. It becomes a much more relaxed environment, and the permanence of the situation begins to take hold. They become a tight-knit family to the extent that, when Nicole asks for a little brother, Michael and Joey begin to foster-parent a little boy, expanding their family. This episode deals once again with the difficulties same-sex parents face, moving from the challenges of adopting to the highs and lows of expanding the family. 

One of my favorite episodes in this series follows the family as Michael's mother comes to stay for a while, her uptight and strict policies causing problems with the rhythm of the household. Joey, reasonably, is upset with her, and though they both know he can't yell at Michael's mother, he finds a loophole in firmly establishing her as his own mother-in-law. It's brought up as a simple one-liner, but it's referenced multiple times casually throughout the rest of the episode, including affectionately between the two of them at the end. 

Also in this episode, they address for the first time a common issue the public had with gay couples in the late 80s and 90s, and probably even today. Having continuously stepped over parenting versus grand-parenting boundaries during her visit, Michael's mother is finally faced with her son's confrontation. He calls the problem for what it is, stating that his mother does not believe he and Joey alone can be parents and run a functional household. She tells him the infamous line about how two boys should not be playing house, because Nicole needs real parents. Michael comes back, effectively, with acknowledging that if he had met a woman and married her tomorrow, his mother would have been fine with the two of them parenting children. But he and Joey, who have known each other always, who love each other, are somehow incapable of it. 

At the time, I had a theory that this episode would be a turning point in the series, propelling them onto a more direct and openly homosexual trajectory. Partially, this theory was correct. The rest of the first season establishes several things that wouldn't have been tolerated in the first several episodes. For example, Joey has his left ear pierced, and this is mentioned in multiple episodes. Additionally, politics were both directly and indirectly brought into the picture, establishing both of the guys as liberal democrats, and even bringing in Ed Koch to tell Nicole that Michael "looks a little republican." The overall premise of this episode is in itself a gem--the Judge's career is in jeopardy after an article is published questioning her abilities, based on the fact that she put a family together with two dads. The relationship of the two dads is not specified at all, which leads me to believe it wouldn't matter to the public if they were two dads in a relationship or not. 

The entire first season of "My Two Dads" is groundbreaking. However, the second and third seasons don't hit quite as hard. Although of course they're wonderful, what took the charm out of it for me had to be that Nicole was entering her teen years, and she lost the innocent, sweet little girl personality she used to have. She found herself in more serious, adult situations, and the show became a little more stressful than laid back and easy. In fact, the third season I had my doubts about even watching--I didn't adapt well to all the changes. 

I did end up watching season three, although to this day I can't bring myself to watch the final episode. But season three was absolutely worth watching. Overall, this show quickly became a new comfort show, and I'll probably be binging it several consecutive times!  

Reflection of The Graduate (1967)

 

The Graduate, probably one of the most quoted, most famous, most well known movies of all time, came out in 1967. Mike Nichols was the director--formerly part of the comedy duo Nichols and May. Elaine May, the other half of this duo, does make a brief appearance in the movie, although her face is mostly obscured. 

 The Braddocks live in an upscale neighborhood. Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) has just graduated college with a bachelor's degree and come back home to stall before applying to grad schools. Benjamin was the star of his track team and very well-off academically. In the opening of the movie, Ben's parents throw a graduation party for him and invite all of their close friends, most of which Ben grew up with. They dote over him throughout the whole party, showing us just how well rounded and perfect-on-paper Ben is. 

Ben doesn't feel the same way. He's tired. He came back from college, twenty-one years old, and he has no idea where the rest of his life is going. The emotion is portrayed perfectly--the lack of motivation, the hopelessness, the "what am I supposed to do now" of graduating and not wanting to always be so perfect. In the beginning of the movie, Ben is still a timid little boy waiting for someone to tell him what to do. Suddenly he finds he's an adult, and he doesn't know what to do when he isn't trying to please someone. He craves the authority. And, on a side note, I'd love to add that Dustin Hoffman's acting choice perfectly mirrors Mike Nichols' comedy style in earlier skits. When he gets nervous he makes this little high pitched whine, it kind of sounds like a puppy, and it's absolutely hilarious. It comes at the perfect moments.

When an old friend of Ben's parents--the infamous Mrs. Robinson--propositions Ben, he's terrified, confused, and runs away from it immediately. But we know what brings him back. We can tell that the lack of structure starts to drive him crazy, the way he still feels like a kid but is expected to behave like an adult. It drives him right into Mrs. Robinson's predatory arms. His terror for her is clear. He would do whatever she told him to, and for no other reason than fear and helplessness. Illustrating this beautifully, not once in the entire movie does Benjamin call her by her first name. This new affair drives him into a unique kind of depression. 

The soundtrack for The Graduate, composed almost entirely by Simon and Garfunkel, is arguably one of the most famous movie soundtracks of all time. It features the longest version of "Scarborough Fair" in existence, clocking in at around eight minutes long. It was also the CD that happened to get stuck in my car senior year of high school, and I listened to it every morning on the way to school. One of the most beautiful moments in this soundtrack is a montage of Benjamin's summer routine after the affair with Mrs. Robinson begins. "Sounds of Silence" plays at first, a song packed with emotions, then immediately transitions into "April Come She Will." Now, I've seen this movie more times than I can count, but this song transition always struck me as odd. To go from something that intense to something so light and similar to a lullaby. But I believe this is a perfect transition. It's striking, a little confusing, and perfectly captures the apathy that Benjamin is feeling, his lack of engagement with life. The stuck-ness of it all. 

Then, when we think there's no chance, when we think it's hopeless, the appearance of Elaine Robinson transforms it into a love story. The first part of their date is horrific--he didn't want to take her out, Mrs. Robinson made him swear he never would, and he broke that promise on an ultimatum. At first he's rude and horrible to her, until finally she breaks and cries on the street. He apologizes, and over the rest of the date finds out that he really, really likes her, thus ending his affair with Mrs. Robinson. 

Benjamin's falling in love with Elaine forces him to become an adult. She inevitably finds out about the affair and returns to college, never wanting to speak to him again, and rightfully. It can be argued that this is a terrible love story, one of the fake ones where she doesn't really love him, he just stalks her until she agrees to him. This is a perfectly valid argument--Ben's behavior is not acceptable. 

The redeeming quality to this behavior is that we know it is unacceptable. The audience knows, Ben knows, Ben's parents know, shown in their conversation when Ben tells them he's going to marry Elaine Robinson--but she doesn't know yet. This is the kind of crazy, irrational, totally inappropriate behavior of someone that is desperately in love and also completely hopeless. This is someone who is in love, but knows that he is not worth forgiving. Ben, above all else, knows that he has screwed up too significantly to be forgiven--but he still has to try. 

When Ben finds out that Elaine is getting married--actively, at the church as he found out--we know it's over. It's too late, there's no hope, and maybe it's for the better. He's a perfectly wealthy, static, two-dimensional blond man. Exactly the kind of man her parents expected her to marry. And in Ben's final, desperate plea for love, he breaks into the chapel and crashes their wedding. The image of him standing on the second story looking down at the wedding, his hands beating on the glass, crying, "Elaine!" still echoes through my memory. The boy we met in the beginning, hiding in his room making nervous little mouse noises is gone. In front of the church stands a bold young man going after what he wants.

Then we reach the climax--Elaine has a decision to make. It is her wedding day. Everyone expects her to do the right thing--to marry this man and forget about Ben. But, Elaine and Ben have both changed. Elaine runs to him, and together, they run away. 

The final image of the movie is one that doesn't leave your memory. They run way, they get on the bus, no one can catch them now. But the giggly euphoria of their adrenaline wears off, their smiles drop. The reality comes to them that they have made their first adult decisions, and that's it. It's over--they're on their own.  

failure of a martyr

On Veteran’s day, they
Raised the flags,
I stood in front of everyone
Nervous
Waiting for my turn on stage.
I wasn’t thinking about your baseball cap, or
Your aviator glasses
That you wore needlessly inside, or
The way my best friend would complain about you.
I thought of nothing
When I received the text, except,
That can’t be true.

That day, you made the decision
To end your life.
You were always impulsive;
You would do anything,
And no one would stop you.

I still hear your father yelling
At you as if
You’d rise from your shroud having
Changed your mind.
I still see your silhouette;
Your long feet sticking out from
The dirt,
Disappearing and
Disappearing.

I hadn’t noticed how tall you’d gotten
When I walked beside you, peering up
To see your face. Or
How far you’d come from
That little pest I’d shoo away.
I hadn’t noticed how tall you’d gotten
Until it took six people
To carry your body up the hill.

It seemed like yesterday you
Sat with me in the corner
Shaking your friend’s Mountain Dew while
He was away.
It seemed like yesterday I
Taped up a ladder
Because you were showing the
Little kids how to climb it.
It seemed like yesterday we
Were all so full of love.
I never felt like I had so many friends.

One year ago
Your friend found me at your funeral.
They hugged me tighter than anyone and
Cried into my coat collar, thinking
Of the disappointment
Of having to clean up soda fizz.
Now they like to pretend like
I don’t exist.
Like they never left those
Tear stains on my coat. 

One year ago
We all sat in the dark, balled
Up with each other, bawling
At 8 am,
Holding hands and
Playing your favorite music.

Now we don’t see each other.
We text in pleasantries.
Everyone is fighting or
Broken up, and
No one is touching my face in the dark,
Telling me they love me
To break the silence and
Stop the weeping.

On Veteran’s day
I saw the flags and
I remembered you.
You martyred yourself to
Bring us together and
Somehow
We still failed.

how to flunk out of college

 

1. avoid your roommate at all times

   (she asks you to lunch but you’re too nervous)

2. hide from Nice Guys

   (lock your door and turn off the lights)

3. try to make friends by taking them to the abandoned kmart

   (they think you’re creepy and do not want to talk to you anymore)

4. call your ex friend crying at midnight and sleep on his couch

   (he forgives you but you didn’t apologize)

5. get taken advantage of by someone you trust

   (don’t you think you owed him?)

6. open a Title IX case

   (it will intimidate him into dropping out)

7. make friends that you don’t like as people

8. go on a date with a guy who sounds like Forrest Gump

   (he takes you to an art museum and you cringe when he tries to hold your hand. when he goes in for a hug you walk away. you felt sorry for him because he was so nice but you’re so not ready)

9. get stood up by a guy who plays the trumpet

10. try really, really hard

    (really, really hard)

11. get drunk for the first time and tell Everyone how you Really feel

12. sit in the creek and read instead of going to class

13. take midnight booty calls and go crawling back to your dorm when he kicks you out at 4 am

    (he doesn’t want to sleep in the bed with you but it’d be rude to put you on the couch)

14. ghost your therapist

    (“I don’t even need it anymore”)

15. try to make amends with your oldest friend and get rejected

    (she thought it was clear she was trying to avoid you)

16. pick up your roommate when she gets stranded 2 hours away then let her sleep with your boyfriend

    (then She will friendship dump You because he coerced her into it)

17. live through the deadliest hurricane since Katrina

    (half your town is dead and you may have food insecurities for the rest of your life)

18. fuck it. drop out and go to mortuary school.

    
     

Songs About Home

This week, directly contrasting with last week's Songs of Leaving, we're going home. I like to play with the versatility of the idea of home. Is it where you grew up, or where you live? Is it your physical house, your town, or is it a person? 

 

It's where your heart is, just like they always say. What they don't always get right, though, is that we leave pieces of our heart just about wherever we go. There is a piece of my heart with old friends I no longer speak to, even though that is no longer home. 

"Homeward Bound" - Simon and Garfunkel

"I wish I was homeward bound  
Home, where my thoughts are skipping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me"

 

"Long Way Home" - The Goo Goo Dolls

"When your hope is sinking like a stone
I will take your hand, I will walk you home
If you never try, you're never gonna know
I will take you there, but you can't let go
'Cause it's a long way home"

 

"She's Leaving Home" - The Beatles

"She
Is having
Fun
Something inside, that was always denied
For so many years
She's leaving home"

 

"My Hometown" - Bruce Springsteen

"I was eight years old and running with a dime in my hand
Into the bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man
I'd sit on his lap in that big old Buick and steer as we drove through town
He'd tousle my hair and say Son, take a good look around
This is your hometown"

 

"When I Get Home" - The Beatles

"Come on
If you please
I got no time for triviality
I got a girl who's waiting home for me
Tonight"

 

"My Little Town" - Simon and Garfunkel

"In my little town
I never meant nothin', I was just my father's son
Savin' my money
Dreamin' of glory
Twitchin' like a finger on the trigger of a gun
Leaving nothing but the dead and dying back in my little town"

 

"Long Way Home from Here" - Matthew Perryman Jones

"There's nothing left to fear
Fear took everything I've known
I wanna feel you near, it's a long way home
From here"

 

"On Your Porch" - The Format

"We talked all night
About everything you could imagine
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone
And as our eyes start to close
I turn to you and I let you know
That I love you"

 

"Front Porch" - Joy Williams

"We carved a story in these boards
Watching life go back and forth
You take it all for granted, then you leave
And then it takes a while to realize what you need
If never you find what you're looking for
Come on back to the front porch"

 

"Local Honey" - AL Riggs

"Nothing sweeter than local honey
Nothing sadder than a local death
Nothing sweeter than local honey
Nothing faster than a dying breath"

 

"Home Again" - Elton John  

"If I could go back home
If I'd never left
I'd never have known
We all dream of leaving
But wind up in the end
Spending all our time trying to get back home again"

Songs of Leaving

Turning eighteen, graduating, transitioning to college, all of it is leaving. I am leaving everything I've ever known--childhood, home, teachers, friends. Yes, I will see them again, but it will never really be the same.

It makes me think of running away. That's a thought I've had rather frequently. At this age you're stuck between dependence and independence. Sometimes, the baby bird is ready to fly and the mama bird is holding it by the tail. 

"Going To A Town" - Rufus Wainwright 

"Making my own way home, ain't gonna be alone
I've got a life to lead, America
I've got a life to lead"

 

 "Still Breathing" - Duran Duran

"I'm walkin' out of this town
I'm never going back there
I'm never going back there
I've burned the place to the ground
I'm never going back there
I'm never going back there again"

 

"New York's Not My Home" - Jim Croce

"It has been so long since I have felt fine
That's the reason that I've gotta get outta here
I'm so alone"

 

"She Moves On" - Paul Simon

"But feel the bite
Whenever you believe that
You'll be lost and love will find you
When the road bends
And the song ends
She moves on"

 

"Last Train to Clarksville" - The Monkees

"'Cause I'm leaving in the morning
And I must see you again
We'll have one more night together
'Til the morning brings my train
And I must go
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no
And I don't know
If I'm ever coming home"

 

"Graceland" - Paul Simon

"For reasons I cannot explain
There's some part of me wants to see Graceland
And I may obliged to defend every love, every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland"

 

"I Can't Stay" - The Killers

"In the dark
For a while now
I can't stay so far
I can't stay much longer
Riding my decision home"

 

"America"  - Simon and Garfunkel

"'Kathy,' I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
'Michigan seems like a dream to me now'
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America"

 

"Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M." - Simon and Garfunkel

"She is soft, she is warm, but my heart remains heavy
And I watch as her breasts gently rise, gently fall
For I know with the first light of dawn I'll be leaving
And tonight will be all I have left to recall"

 

"She's Leaving Home" - The Beatles

"Something inside, that was always denied
For so many years
She's leaving home"

 

"Leave A Light On" - Duran Duran

"Even if I wait a lifetime
I know, I swear
If you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me
I'll come there
You can leave a light on for me"

 

"Traveling Boy" - Art Garfunkel

"I won't say that I'll be back again
'Cause time alone will tell
So no goodbyes for one just passing through
But one who'll always think of you
No goodbyes"

 

"God Bless the Absentee" - Paul Simon

"The future is the present
The present's in the past
The highways are in litigation
The airports disagree
God bless the absentee"

 

"Run Away from Life" - The Monkees

"Let's run away from life together
Leave behind the stormy weather
Let's find out what fantasy can do
Where we'll go to they can't touch us
Life is perfect nothing more to do"

 

"I Wanna Be Free" - The Monkees

"I wanna be free
Like the warm September wind, babe
Say you'll always be my friend, babe
We can make it to the end, babe"

 

"Born to Run" - Bruce Springsteen

"Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims
And strap your hands across my engines
Together we could break this trap
We'll run till we drop, baby we'll never go back"

 

"Time for Me to Fly" - REO Speedwagon

"Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly"

 

"Where I'm Going" - The Wild Reeds

"I'm not running from a home we built for two
I'm chasing the winds, I'm leaving on whims and I'm learning a thing or two"

 

"Run Away With Me" - The Spring Standards

"We'll be on the road
Like some country song
Won't be long
We'll be ready
Let's go
Anywhere
Get the car packed and throw me the keys
Run away with me"

 

"Night Train" - The Accidentals

"I'm on the night train, see this land for a change
Gardens in the backyards, a far mountain range
I'm taking my time, I'll stay on this line to the end of the track
And watch the sun rise, maybe two or three times
Before I come back"

 

"Think I'll Run Away" - The Turtles

"Climb higher than we've climbed before
Life should show us so much more
Think I'll run away"

 

"We'll Meet Again" - The Turtles

"Oh, won't you please say hello to the folks that I know
Tell them I won't be long
Well, they'll be happy to know that as you saw me go
I was singing this song"

 

"Ghosts" - The Head and the Heart

"All my friends are talkin' about leavin', about leavin'
But all my friends are sittin' in their graves"

 

"Steady, Steady" - The Crane Wives

"Oh, steady, steady
I am ready
To run"

 

"My Little Town" - Simon and Garfunkel

"In my little town
I never meant nothin', I was just my father's son
Saving my money
Dreaming of glory
Twitching like a finger on the trigger of a gun"

 

"Break Away" - Art Garfunkel

"It's not the sun you're trying to find
Something else is on your mind
You need a little space and time to break away
It's not the place you're going to
It's just a phase you're going through"

 

"Disappear" - Jason Webley

"A pull-out sofa, some cheap red wine, yeah, you're going to do some time
Just get in the car and drive
And no one's going to pick you up down here
No one's going to say you're in the clear
You push, you stretch, you rend apart the edges of just what you are
And no one's going to see you disappear"

 

"Blackbird" - The Beatles

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise"